Insecurity

 "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better... "

When I was a lot more malleable I trained in a place with this famous portion of Teddy Roosevelt's Citizens in a Republic speech mounted on the wall.  I thought I understood the mounted portion and I thought that I was living under it like a secret 6th tenant of TKD.  I haven't been though - I've participated in conversations both in person and on the internet that is in fact the opposite of what this portion of the speech tries to instill.

We're all too critical in the martial arts.  In almost every class, students come to me looking for the "right" way to do something.  This is an art though, so what is "right" for one person is not going to be "right" for another.  You have to pay attention and focus on the correctness at times, but being a martial artist is a never ending journey in which the milestones are reached at different times for travelers. 

I see students shaking their head, or even worse, cursing under their breath when they know they make mistakes - completely forgetting that regular class is exactly the place they SHOULD be making mistakes.  A mistake in the real world, in a self defense scenario is dangerous -- a mistake in class is not, so long as the student understands the mistake and makes an effort to remedy it.  After years of being way too hard on myself as a practitioner I am now trying to keep my students from being so hard on themselves when they make mistakes.  Rome wasn't built in a day, the saying goes, and neither were any good martial artists.

"...The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming"

It goes a lot further.  If self criticism wasn't bad enough, martial artists also love to criticize anyone they see as inferior to themselves.  I see it all the time on the internet.  A "funny meme"  or a video of really bad martial artists at a test or tournament gets posted and suddenly everyone commenting becomes a critic.  This one boggles my mind - for a lot of reasons.  First off I wonder why so many people passionately bash other practitioners when they are absolutely no threat to the bash-er in any way.  Of course the rational answer to that is "a defense of the 'integrity' of the art".  This one always makes me laugh out loud.  If a handful of bad places could spoil the integrity of an entire subject matter we wouldn't have a used car industry. This is insecurity coupled with the incessant need for self validation that seems to me, sadly, to be a factor of human nature.  If there is a bad school, putting out bad martial artists, that problem is going to resolve itself.  My other problem with disparaging other artists is that if you look hard enough, you can find someone better than you at any given thing.  There's only so many people who are truly elite at what they do.  I am not sure where people get off thinking that they made it over the baseline of "acceptable" and based on the bravado I see in these discussions (both virtual and in person) I feel comfortable saying that a lot of people think they are a lot better at their art than they are.  Sadly these conversations are not exclusive to the internet.  Too many of these conversations have happened to me and I'm sorry that I ever took part in them.  

"...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

I don't think any of my non martial arts friends read this blog, so it is safe to say that if you are reading this, you are a martial artist.  Take pride in the fact that you are not with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat!  Stop caring and stop carrying baggage about the arts in regards to what other people are doing.  Did you get into your art to  gossip or to pass judgement?  Do you get a special belt if you can prove that you are better than one of your classmates?   

When you let that weight go, you'll find yourself in a remarkable place.  I've only recently, through the writing of this post, come to a place that I feel is worthy of the term: epiphany.  I carried that two ton monkey that is insecurity on my back for too long. My story of insecurity is complicated.  One aspect of it though revolved around my test for third dan.  A few weeks before my test it got back to me that some of my peers and superiors felt that I didn't deserve to be testing and that I shouldn't be testing.  In searching for advice and dealing with an overwhelming amount of insecurity I asked a master I had been training under in college what he thought of these rumors  He asked me "did your instructor say it was your time to test".  Of course I answered yes, as I can't just show up to black belt testing and proclaim my intent to test.  Without hesitation upon hearing me say "yes", he replied "then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks". 

It took me too many years to fully appreciate this - but I finally do. When I let that insecurity go, I found that my propensity to enjoy the art like I did in my early 20s was still there.  If you cast off your insecurity and your need for validation; if you trust the instructors around you and understand that you are practicing a living art - not a science experiment, then you will find that you can accomplish more than you might have thought possible.  I've watched insecurity hold back too many people including myself.  That ended for me a few weeks ago when I started the draft of this post.  I hope it will end for you too.